New Intentions

New year means New beginnings, New journeys, New goals, New intentions, and probably a New gym membership. Shit, thats a lot of new. New years is such a powerful time to reflect on last year and look forward to the possibilities of the next. Hope, promise, ambiguity, fear, curiosity, and excitement all bundled up into two days.

Since I have been home, the second question people ask me after "how was your trip?"is "What are you going to do next?". At this very moment, I don't have the answer to that question. While part of me struggles with that and wishes that I did, I hold strong in knowing the answer to "what is NOW". What is "now" is that I am home safely after nothing short of an eventful last 5 days in Africa, happy to be clean, still waiting to hear from schools, and pursuing other challenges as I wait. I will head into 2013 with some intentions to live NOW, that will guide me to what is NEXT when the time is right. 

here are my 13 Intentions for 2013:

1. Live in a place of Love, but it's ok to have a meaningful conversation with your bullshit when necessary. 

2. Stay honest and authentic in your intentions, actions, beliefs, and goals. Come back to your true aim when you stray. 

3. Give thanks every day.

4. Pray often. And Listen. Continue this journey walking with God. 

5. Live in possibility and in the present. You can create anything if you believe in possibility. Create something Powerful. 

6. Be open to the outcomes.

7. Celebrate and love yourself unconditionally. Your going to screw up, and its going to be ok.  When judgement and negativity creep in, feel what you need to, re-evaluate, and then let it go.

8. Never stop exploring. Stay curious about yourself, the world, and what you can cultivate together.

9. Embrace challenges, and make them your masterpiece. 

10. Blow your own damn mind every once and while! Get uncomfortable, shake shit up, scare yourself, and see what happens.

11. Appreciate both the little and big things. Just because its small, doesn't mean its not important. 

12. Keep an open heart, an open mind, and open eyes.

13. Breathe, and be YOU. 

As you head into 2013, take what you need from last year- some lessons and humility, and let what you don't need stay. Be fearless and let the journey unfold. 

xoxoxoxoxo

chels

Joy. Peace. Hope. Flour. Eggs. Sugar.

And no, I haven't had too much egg nog, all six of these things are related. In a Chelsea kind of way.

I was hesitant to write this post, as truth be told, I am usually a Christmas hater. For many years I saw Christmas as church turned into a zoo, bat shit crazy holiday shoppers and drivers, bullshit wrapped in bows, a day of multiple family melt downs, and chocolate and cookies in excess (that part I was OK with). I would grit a smile, push through, and be so relieved when December 26th finally arrived. Pretty Grinch-eriffic right?

Thankfully, this Christmas, things shifted. A beyond amazing mother and sister, a killer Christmas Eve sermon, and with some other game changers thrown in there helped shed a light that was brighter than my usual Grinch-ish 'tude. This shift of perspective took me back to the true spirit and gifts of Christmas: Joy, Peace, and Hope.

Often at Christmas time, some are overcome with joy and merriment, others find themselves overwhelmed with sadness and an unpleasant feeling of unsettlement (guilty). Its a time of year that can serve as a reminder of all the incredible gifts and blessings you received throughout the year (joy, peace hope). Or the opposite; a reminder of all the shit that broke, cracked, and fell apart. This is where the flour, eggs, and sugar come in.

In the message at church last night, the preacher compared "life" to "Sugar Cookies". Stick with me. We have all of these "events", or "ingredients", that come together to eventually make us whole. On their own the ingredients that make up sugar cookies are pretty gross. I don't know about you, but I've never really had the urge to sit down and eat a bag of plain flour or a bowl of baking soda with a side of raw egg. And so it is with our lives, sometimes, events on their own suck. Shit happens, its not what you wanted, what you asked for, and you don't know why it happened to you. This time of year, its easy to get caught up in this part, and let the negativity of it all dominate your focus (also guilty). But then, there are sweet spots here and there (sugar and butter- which are good on their own but I don't suggest eating them solo all too often). While shiny, bright, and yummy, in our human minds can easily push these into the shadows. But then we stir things up, mix the good and the bad together, bake at 350 for 12 minutes (or maybe a year), let things cool, and the outcome is usually pretty delicious.

So, my purpose here is, to share my shift in focus experience this Christmas, and if you are feeling Grinch green, to help you shift too. You have probably already unwrapped at the presents under the tree, but your gifts aren't finished. I encourage you to take a minute today and throughout the rest of this holiday season leading up to new years, and go beyond the physical and material to reflect on the true Christmas gifts of joy, peace, and hope you encountered this year. No matter what ingredients you were handed, how much of a mess your cookie dough batter was, or how hot your oven got- they were present. Who and what brought you joy? How did you bring others joy? When did you feel peace? Where did you find hope and who found hope in you?

Bet you have a lot more presents now.

And if your still feeling blue, watch this video. If kids with New Zealand accents in adorable home made costumes and glow sticks cant make you snap out of it, somethings not right.

A Christmas Story- St. Paul's Style


Happy Happy Merry Merry Christmas to All!

Love,
Chelsea

"... And Grace will lead me home"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KofP8dpADwM&feature=youtube_gdata_player


When I left home I was one pissed off little girl. I felt resentment towards both myself and others, and had lost sight of the light and joy that lies within. I admit (ugh here it comes, I'm being so honest right now) a major motive for this trip was to get away. I tried very hard to convince myself otherwise, but the truth is I felt anger and sadness within me that I wanted to run away from as fast as I could in the opposite direction ( Opposite hemisphere and 7,000 miles away looked like a good spot).

But the funny thing about tying to run away is, it dosent really work. You can run away from things physically, but your emotions and true feelings come right along with you.

But here I am 9 weeks and many many adventures later, I'm no longer running away. I am home.

I've let myself feel the pain and anger that I needed to, and from that has come an incredible, abundant, explosive, feeling of joy and love once again. I feel at home again with myself and with my heart.

My favorite verse from my favorite hymn goes like this:

"Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come; 'Tis GRACE that brought be safe thus far and GRACE will lead me home"

Grace has led me back home even in opposite hemispheres and 7,000 miles away.

While many people have told me I am out changing the world, the world is actually changing me.


Xoxoxoox

Birthday Blessings

Today, November 22nd is my own personal new years. I get to say farewell to 23 and welcome in 24. It amazes me how time flies and this past year seems to have passed in the blink of an eye.

Ive spent the past few days traveling by myself down the beautiful Garden Route in South Africa and in so had the chance to do some reflecting on this past year, and what a year it has been. With Thanksgiving in mind and reflecting in gratitude, I've come up with countless blessings I have been graced with this year. And while i could list on and on, I will share 23 of them with you to stay in the birthday spirit theme.


This year I have been blessed with :

1. First and foremost, my family- and a new appreciation for the strength, struggles, support, and love that weaves us all together. My family has grown together this year in ways that I never could have imagined. And while the process may not have always been pretty or easy, it has yielded stronger new relationships through grace and love for each other.

2. TWO ridiculously great rescue dogs- Max and Putter.

3. Old friendships with new meanings. Saying I have incredible friends would be an injustice and understatement- I cannot express in words how truly amazing you people are! Many of us went through some serious life changing things this year, everything from heartbreaking to overjoying things. Through all we have found courage, strength, hope, and more love than ever within each other.

4. Easter with the Sewards, my second family. Some of my most favorite people in the world, and they have a kick ass Easter bunny.

5. Watching two of my best friends get married. Macon got hitched!

6. Monday mornings at Mitchell Elementary school with my Yoga Kidz.

7. Being in love.

8. Having my best friends all under one roof for an entire weekend. And along with that came 3 days of laughing so hard my stomach hurt.

9. Ringing in the new year on the beach with friends and loads of sparklers.

10. A day biking on Kiawah island with my mom, finding undiscovered beaches that go on forever.

11. ALOT of meals from the Whole Foods hot bar, and a great friend Arend there

12. Vegas.....ok, maybe that's not a "blessing" but it sure as hell was fun.

13. Two days with my dad, who I hadent seen in a year and a half.

14. Working with the Green Heart Project- spending time with my favorite kids and learning a thing or two about plants.

15. 8 weeks in Nomzamo township with incredible people, children, and love. One of the hardest goodbyes I've had to say, but how fortunate I had the chance to say hello.

16. Christmas Day with Zak. Nothing screams "happy birthday Jesus" like a cheesy Tom Cruise flick and red curry.

17. A birthday serenade at 12:00 from a group of strangers turned friends.

18. Happiness, and a smile to show it.

19. Traveling through South Africa. Both solo and with strangers turned friends. An experience like nothing before, and unique to anything to come.

20. An afternoon in Amsterdam. short time- big learning.

21. An open heart to see and feel with.

22. A completely by chance run in with familiar face in a random hostel 7,000 miles away from home... And getting to celebrate my birthday and Thanksgiving with them!

23. Insight into a new culture. It is
the spirit of ubuntu that lives and thrives in South Africa, in particular the Xhosa culture, the culture that Nelson Mandela is from and the one I will have been able to experience for 3 months. 'Ubuntu' is the spirit of giving, of caring.. it means 'I am who I am because of who we all are'

Annnnnnnd one for good luck

24.TIME. Another year of life, what a gift. An opprotunity to continue to live BIG and make every day my masterpiece.


Sending SO much love to you all today and always!

In gratitude,
Chels

What is REAL?

"What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.

-the Velveteen Rabbit


I am lucky to have a lot of very real people in my life. I too have found myself balding and shabby, and losing an eyeball every now and then.

Since I have been in Africa, shit has been "real". I've seen, experienced, and felt things that have made me keenly aware of the "real-ness" within both myself and others.

Here is a collection of my thoughts on a few things that make us, and have made me REAL:

~Having to say goodbye before your ready.

Can be to a person, a place, a habit, a part of your life. No matter what- it's hard.

Today was my last day on project. I don't think that I will ever be ready to say goodbye to the incredible children I have met and worked with along m journey in Nomzamo. Tears streamed down my face (and they are now) as I tried to explain to the nursery kids that I would not be back on Monday because I had to go on an airplane. After giving them a smooch on the forehead and a hug, all 53 waved goodbye.
Like with all goodbyes, it may mean that you never meet again in this life time, but those little ones will ALWAYS be close in my heart.

~Recognizing and accepting when you hit a wall, doing what you need to do to move past it, even if that means you have to sit and stare at it for a while.

I've hit my share of physical and mental walls since I have been in Africa. I learned it was possible to puke and cry at the same time. By Day 2, hour 19 of a 3 day hike I wanted to find something, anything to sit on and find a way down the last mountain of the day that involved anything but walking. After seeing 9 kids with raw real fear in their eyes get beaten with a metal rod by their teacher for incorrect test answers, I had to leave the classroom and cry for an hour. And just like everyone else around the world I've had days where I wanted to say "I can't do this". But you press on, for the only way out is through. No matter how long you have to look at the damn wall, or how much hair gets rubbed off, it eventually breaks down. Then you find freedom, and become that much more REAL.

~Embracing people and cultures for their differences, rather than judging them.

It's much easier sometime to judge from afar than to actually get to know someone and discover who they truly are. The beautiful thing about the world is that no two people are alike- if we were we wouldent need each other. It can also be frustrating, difficult, and require patients. But once you begin to accept differences, rather than resist, a collaboration manifests into something marvelous and greater than yourself.


~Having feelings so strong it's painful.

Joy, happiness, anger, fear, gratitude. Letting yourself feel, rather than ignore and go numb, creates a REAL and beautiful heart. And usually the more it hurts, the more important it is to feel.

~Most importantly, loving and accepting yourself just as you are so you can unconditionally love and accept others.

You cannot fully love someone else until you love yourself. no matter how shabby you are or loose or eye balls may be, show compassion for yourself and your love will shine through to everyone else.

One of my favorite quotes is "be yourself in this world, everyone else is already taken." so be yourself with love, be different, it makes you REAL.



Tomorrow i begin my next journey traveling a week through the garden route in South Africa, then up to Zimbabwe, Botswana, and Zambia to continue keeping it real!


Xoxoxoox

10 Universal Kid Things

In the past five weeks I've spent in Africa, most of my time has been with children. So much so that I will probably need a re-introduction on how to socialize with those over the age of 7.

Here in South Africa I've been on project at an orphanage, an educare center (nursery), a kindergarten, and gotten a glimpse into an elementary school. Both on and off project I have noticed habits, quirks, and enthusiasm in the kids here that I have seen in kids back home and in other parts of the world.

Here we go:

1. It's always way cooler to pee outside than in the bathroom. Weather it's behind a tree or out in the open field, dropping your pants outdoors blows peeing in a toilet out of the water.

2. Trading at the lunch table-Someone else's snack is ALWAYS better than yours.

3. Eating candy, coloring, pissing off the chior ladies, making faces at the lady in the pew behind you- ANYTHING is better than sitting still in church.

4. All songs sound best when shouted as loudly as possible and sung as fast as you can, while spinning around in circles.

5. Leg hair, facial hair, gray hair- all fascinating and quickly pointed out.

6. Non-edible food is the best kind to eat, especially when you are daring a friend to do it.

7. Kids are quick to join in the trouble, but even quicker to sell you out when "who did it?" time rolls around. Every rascal for themselves.

8. Poop and all humor surrounding it is hallarious in any language.*

* This one, while annoying, is also a good humbling reminder that whenever you start to think your better or more worthy than someone- at the end of the day- everybody poops.

9. "No" in any language is enough to make up the vocabulary of a two year old.

10. You can teach them how to cover their mouths and their noses as much as you want- your still going to get sneezed on.



Sending the LOVE from south africa!

Xoxoxo

Five very eye opening, culture-shocking, and noteworthy things I saw this week

As I anticipated and began my travels to South Africa I did my best to assume and expect as little as possible. Knowing I could not possibly predict what I was going to see or experience, the only real expectation I had was that things would be different. And different they are.

Each day I find my self observing and trying to absorb all that is going on around me. At times I can relate things that are universal and similar at home, but most of the time, the difference is overwhelming. I've witnessed something new every day, if not every hour, that I have been traveling. This week, I felt particularly present and aware of my surroundings. I tried to take note when I could in attempt to remember everything (not possible) but found 5 things in particular that stood out.

I found these to be particularly impactful, provocative, and eye opening each in their own way.


1. Over fifty children under the age of 4 lie down, row by row, and take a nap next to each other.

So I moved over to Naced.... Educare (nursery) center this week. There are over 50 toddlers there and their staff was down to three carers as opposed to the normal 6 or 7. Would be an understatement that 3:50 is an unfair ratio.

We arrived at the nursery Monday morning while all of the kids were having their breakfast (porridge, looks and smells more like cement). The best way I have come up with to describe the nursery is: zoo-like, with the noise level of 1,000 screaming 8th grade girls at a Justin Beiber concert. And all 50 kids jump on you like you are Justin Beiber.

My initial reaction: a. Get. me.out.of.here.now. And b. if that can't happen, where can I hide?

Luckily for me my only option was C. None of the above. The bus was gone and when there's 50 kids in a building of 3 rooms, there's no such thing as hiding.

But as I observed and began to settle into the day, I realized that what seemed at first like absolute mayhem was actually very organized chaos. The children respected their carers as well as their daily routine. After a morning of "organized play" each of the kids sat quietly (I swear) waiting for lunch, ate, took their shoes off outside, and went inside and laid down in rows of about 20 to take a nap. Almost every child was silent and still (always a few token squirmers). I was in complete awe. And then they stayed there for an hour.
From one extreme to another, just wild.


2. Multiple children's story books on AIDS displayed in a classroom.

When you pick up a book off the shelf in a children's classroom you expect it to be a nice fairy tale, have some cute animals, and maybe a lesson on sharing or being nice to your sibling (at least that's what I expect). You don't expect it to be about AIDS.

Call me ignorant, but it had never crossed my mind that AIDS would have such a presence that it needed to be explained on a child's level through a story book. I read stories about ballerinas, hungry catippillers, and if it was something with depth it was most likely about potty training.

Opening that first book unknowinglyand figuring out what it was about by page 3 was my biggest culture shock this week. Maybe even thus far.


3. A high schooler (in a kilt and knee socks) pick up her 2 year old son from nursery school.

In America we use teenage pregnancy as a hit topic or theme for reality tv, a statistic to frown upon, a scare tactic for health education, and as a wrong.

Here, it is the norm.


4. Two billboards for "safe and pain-free" abortions in a 3 block span.

Pro- life? Non exsistant. Especially in a place where rape is as common as a Starbucks in the U.S.

A truth so raw, you almost don't want to admit it in silence, let alone outloud.


5. Seven Great White Sharks. Up close.

While Humans may be the most evolved creatures on the planet by most standards, they are certainly not the most powerful.

Reality check: we are little. Sharks are big. iPhones, a good job, or a hot new pair of shoes can't help you if a shark wants you for lunch. Even with our intelligence and material loves, we're still powerless over nature. Chomp chomp.


And just a few other noteworthy sightings this week that I probably would not have seen walking the battery: - a kid on the side of the road wearing one timberland boot and one roller blade (he's got his shit figured out) - a south African highway police chase - the big dipper upside down (since I'm in the southern hemisphere) - a mother and a baby whale -a set of class rules, for 4th graders, that included not bringing pornography to school - and a Curves (no men, no mirrors is global... Thank goodness).


Much love to you all!

Xoxoxoox
Chels

Happily Humbled

If you had told me three weeks ago that I would use the words "excited" and "public shower" in the same sentence I would have assumed you had gone nuts. How quickly things can change. After excessive use of waterless shampoo and baby wipes, I hop into that shared shower with more eagerness then I could have ever imagined. Swift kick in the ass from humble right off the bat.

There is nothing glamorous or sexy about life here in Gordon's Bay, but I couldent have a bigger grin on my face. Theres no more fluff, no more distractions, just raw real life.

I spend my day at Ikhayalethemba Orphanage, in the Nomazamo township located just outside of Gordon's Bay. Townships, or informal settlements, are plentiful there. In a nutshell they are an extremely large collection of shacks. It's hard to explain, but try to imagine 1,000s of tiny wooden and metal huts smushed together as close as possible with no proper roads, electricity, plumbing, sanitation, and lots of roaming goats. It is free to live there, so people build their houses wherever and however they can. Needless to say, I felt like a real jerk driving in the first morning after I had bitched about having to drink instant coffee with my breakfast.

23 of the happiest, most loving, and most resilliant children I have ever met live at Ikhayalethemba. On a high horse? Spend five minutes with these children and you'll hop off really quickly. Here you cannot impress with your job, your wardrobe, how much you have, or how much you have done, you are soley loved for being present and being you. They greet you each day with a huge smile and a hug like no other, just because you are there to be with them. The love given by these kids give is an amazing and humbling phenomenon to witness.

In just a week I've been hugged on, jumped on, peed on, colored on, snacked on ( my fingers look tasty? ), drooled on, and just about everything inbetween. I kicked off this week getting peed on by Anelle who then proceeded to jump in the bath tub fully clothed, twice, half an hour into the day. So if I wasent humble or present enough, I certainly am now. But still smiling hard.

I am eager to see what the next few weeks hold, and to let the rest of my journey unfold. but for now I am starting off this week with a humble and happy heart.

Five Things I've Learned So Far...

I made it! In one piece! Happily sitting in Capetown now, and will head to Gordon's Bay this evening. My travles have already been incredible and far from describible, but here is a short list to give you insight on my learning experience thus far...

1. VISA is accepted everywhere. Except for Ansterdam tram busses. Marketing flaw on their part. Lesson #1: no matter how long the currency exchange line is at the airport, wait in it. It's less painful than being reemed out in Dutch by a bus driver for trying to ride for free.

2.Weed and prosititutes are the norm in Amsterdam ( which, full disclosure, I did neither of). Lesson #2: I would need to learn how to hold my drugs, start smoking cigs, and date ridiculously well outfited men to hang with the Europeans.

3.Flight Tracker: friend quickly turned foe. Lesson #3: Dont torture yourself, go for the three movies and old episodes of Friends instead.

4.Window seats seem ideal...until you remember you have a baby bladder. After the 9th time of getting up to use the restroom on a flight, seats B and C no longer accept your apologies. Lesson #4: I'll go for the asile seat on the way home.

5.Lesson #5: Any shower is a good shower. After a 12 hour flight, sleeping in a hostel bed, getting sweaty, then rained on, sweaty again, going to the beach, and then windblown, that public shower looks awesome (and yes, thats a long time to not shower, dont judge).


and many more to come.....
xoxoxo

A Friend is a Present You Give Yourself.

Keeping this one short and sweet.

We encounter all sorts of friendships in our lives. Best friends, childhood friends, when-i-see-you-out-ill-awkwardly-say-hi friends, college friends, and maybe even an imaginary friend from back in the day. But there is nothing in life quite like a good friend. Someone you can laugh and cry with, tell your secrets to, and someone you can love knowing they will always love you back no matter how outrageous you looked dancing at the bar last weekend.

I have an incredible group of good friends, and for that I could not be more thankful.  No one is like another, and I have learned something new from every single one of you. I have friends that make my heart happy and cheeks hurt from laughing so much. What more could a girl ask for? In the past few months I have felt such outpouring and unconditional love from all of my friends. Your love has shown through in hugs, phone calls, glasses of wine, stupid jokes, the list goes on, but be assured no small act has gone unnoticed. And as I head into this next journey, I am confident that I have never felt as supported or loved by a group of people as I do now. The feeling is overwhelming, and is sending me off with a full heart and a huge smile on my face.

So think of this as a thank you. A big huge hug, abundant gratitude, and a big fat kiss for being my friend. I will carry you all so close in my heart throughout this journey.

Flaps up tomorrow, next post will be from South Africa!!!!!!

All my love,

Chels

God, Grace, and Gratitude

I believe in God. I live through grace. I live in gratitude.

God, grace, and gratitude- An unfailing trifecta of G's. While each may be viewed as independent concepts, the three together have the ability to create things far beyond our abilities.

While I may not have rockstar attendance at church and haven't dutifully read scripture, I still have faith. I strongly believe there is a Higher Power greater than us all. Call it God, call it Allah, Krishna, whatever resinates with you, its there. I believe God has put all of us on earth with purpose and a plan. Everything we encounter in our lives is perfectly timed (even though we may not always think so) and for a reason in accordance with His intention for us. I also believe in science. I am fully aware and not ignorant to the fact that everything that happens can be explained by a scientific truth. But, if science was the only way I explained things that have happened in my life, I would have a titanium heart and an encyclopedia series of both shitty and happy facts. You can logically reason and fact your way through any situation, but God gives you hope for them. He gives you a guide, a reason, and a purpose to work through and carry on. He may not give you the "why" right away (or ever), but faith provides encouragement and reassurance things are happening according to plan. For things we don't understand, think are fair, or don't want to do, he gives us grace.

Grace can have many meanings and come in many forms. Some view grace as good manners, others as something spiritual, and if your five maybe as something you eat before you can have your mac and cheese. Grace can be in the form of a thing, a person, an experience, an emotion, or a freedom. I view grace as a gift. An unconditional gift from God, given with no strings attached. You don't have to be fearless or have endless courage to receive grace. It comes to those who are grateful and humble. Its not something that can be repaid, but it is a gift to be lived out.  We live out our grace through faith and gratitude.

I have abundant gratitude for many many things in my life.  Life without gratitude would be like s'mores without the chocolate. So not tasty. Marshmallows and graham crackers are average, chocolate is the extra delicious goodness that completes the picture. Gratitude comes from within, allows you to appreciate all that you have and grow your heart. As my trip quickly approaches ( 15 days) my awareness of all I have to be grateful has been heightened, especially thanks for God and Grace. I know I will need all three to guide me through my adventure ahead. God and gratitude for grace and grace to be grateful. But until I leave in two weeks I have much to be grateful for here in Charleston and in my life today. So here is my gratitude list for today, I encourage you to take inventory of what your grateful for every now and then and jot some things down.  It feels good. You may have a lot more to smile about than you think.

If your grateful, your happy. If your not, your not.

Today I give gratitude for:
-Family (first and always)
-Yoga
-Dellz lunch dates with Beth, Sarah and Jess
-Walks with Emily Chess
- My dogs Max and Putter
-Chocolate coconut water (holy delicious)
-Faith
-Friends
-Phone calls from my sister who hates to talk on the phone
-Sneakers
-Laughter
-Big Bang Theory
-Jumble Cookies
-Open hearts

Simple, but hard.

It starts when we are young: growing out of your favorite pair of pink Chuck Taylor Allstar high tops. Flushing your first gold fish that you properly named, loved and cared so much for all three days of its life. Letting go. The process remains the same as we get older; it is the ideas, relationships, and things we attach to the act that changes. Letting go- simple, but hard.

I've had to learn and accept a lot about letting go in a short 23 (flirting with 24) years. Both of my parents are alcoholics (one early in recovery). Living with and through this has taught me the biggest lessons of surrender. I've had to learn to let go of wanting and thinking I have the ability to change someone. Anger. Resentment. Expectations. Ideas and assumptions about perfection. And fear of the future. And just because I let go once, dosent mean its gone for good. I can also be REALLY good at holding onto things. I find myself falling back into old patterns, thoughts, and feelings that are comforatable, but no longer serve me. And it becomes a lot harder than just flushing them down the toilet like the goldfish. The action of letting go is still just as simple, it's the acceptance of change and taking action that's hard.

Letting go is like learning how to swim. We dip our toes in, knowing the potential to do something big and new exists. Then work our way down the steps and onto the wall. Eventually taking a few paddles away from the wall, but at first scrambling right back to that safety net and support. Doggie paddle- simple, but hard. The familiar. But once we have made it far enough away from the wall, swimming towards the deep end with the big kids, there's no turning back. Letting go of the familiar, heading into the unknown. And from there the possibilities are endless. You could be the next Michael phelps for all you know (not me, I'm a horrible swimmer, more of a sinker- but you get the idea).

There have been times in my life, especially in the past few months that I have wanted more than ever to cling to the wall, hold on for dear life like a three year old with an ice cream cone. Ive wanted to close my eyes and wish my way back into "normal", click my heels together three times and be back in a place called "home". Dorthy did it, why can't I? But that clinging is not reality. Surrendering to what is actually going on, and moving away from the familiar is.

I've made my paddles away from the wall and have my eyes set on the deep end. This next adventure I will let go of so many things familiar: hot showers, my own bed, things starting with an i (phone, pad, pod), talking to my family every day, familiar faces, self doubt, blonde hair (its true im going burnette), and most importantly the fear of the unknown. This trip is my leap off the diving board. Letting go and leaving behind anything to hold me back so I can open up and create space for recieving and experiencing something entirely unfamiliar and extraordinary.

Letting go is not giving up, it's opening up. Surrendering is not a defeat, it's a victory with the prize of open space for something new. And that space is where you find your stripes.

Open Doors

So, here it goes. The beginning of a new journey. While no two journeys are alike, this new adventure I am about to embark on is an extraordinary opportunity. On September 19th ( in 33 days) I will depart for Fish Hoke, South Africa where I will spend almost three months working as a health care volunteer in a local health clinic and orphanage. Limited electricity, hot water, and internet. No washer dryer. No familiar faces or friends going with. Back to dorm style living. Sleeping with a mosquito net. And most importantly a fresh set of eyes and an open heart to see it all.

Just like everyone who walks the earth, my whole life has been a collection of journeys. I've had my share of bumps along the way, a few road blocks, and enough pot holes to earn an extra foot of toes to count on. I've traveled crystal clear journeys of joy and others that seemed like long foggy roads with a headlight out. But all of those prepared the way for me, began to create and shape who I am, for when I needed it the most.

The past six months have been without a doubt some of the most emotionally challenging I have ever faced. I found myself, more than once, as a crying heap on the floor experiencing the pain of loss, disappointment, heartbreak, and raw sadness unraveling within me. But from our deepest darkness, we find light. From breaking down, we learn to build up, spread our wings, and fly. From the pain I have experienced I am beginning to emerge with strength, courage, and an ability to feel joy that lies deep within us all. I've had journeys come to an end, said good byes, new beginnings, and journeys that still continue to work their course. Now I can begin to spread my wings once again, a new path.  I have my past in my heart and a solid foundation of who I am, but also fresh eyes open with eagerness and excitement to continue to discover what I can become. I can begin a journey to find my stripes.

Hellen Keller said "When one door to happiness closes, another opens. But so often we look so long at the closed door we do not see the one which has been opened for us." I look at this trip as shifting my gaze. Changing the direction I am looking. Turning my head, toward a new door of happiness.